"Local Woman Foils Burglary, Invites Intruders To Tea"

Do you ever wonder, when you hear the stories of old people giving their credit card information to perfect strangers and then falling victim to a scam, who can possibly be that stupid? Me too. But the mystery is solved.

It's me!

I am that stupid. I am the future retiree who will lose everything to a grifter with a Crest-white smile. To illustrate my point, I have written the following one-act play entitled "Welcome, Please Steal My Shit."

WELCOME, PLEASE STEAL MY SHIT

a play in one act

Danielle is home putting the baby to sleep in the basement when the doorbell rings multiple times. The frazzled mother ignores the incessant chiming - it's probably just that nosy neighbor again! - and continues rocking the baby. 

Suddenly we hear a large dog frantically barking. We can later assume it is because an attempt was made to open the front door. Danielle, oblivious to the danger and cursing at the dog, finally hauls her ass up from the couch to walk upstairs. She looks out the front door. 

Two women are texting in a beat up white sedan parked outside outside the house. Danielle's nonchalant shrug says "No big deal - their car probably broke down and now they're calling AAA. La la la la la. Let's go back to sending email and see what's happening on Facebook."

Moments later, Danielle is back in the basement when she hears a bang at the side of the house and once again the dog starts barking. Good dog. Danielle hauls herself upstairs for the second time, only to see the two women on her back deck moving furniture and still with the texting. She touches her hair self-consciously wishing she'd showered and gotten dressed today. Still, something is off.

Danielle: (knocking on the picture window) Can I help you? Why are you in my yard?

Woman 1: (in accented, dammit-why-do-you-have-to-be-hispanic English) Oh! We here to clean.

Woman 2 texts with the speed of a thousand secretaries.

Danielle: Are you with Molly Maids? I don't think you're scheduled today.

Woman 1: Yes, maybe we have a wrong house. What's your name?

Danielle: We didn't order any cleaning service. I think you should leave. And could you please make sure to close the gates on your way out? I don't want the dogs to get out.

Woman 1: Oh okay.

Danielle: Sorry about the mixup - thanks.

The women high tail it out of there, while Danielle makes a fresh batch of coffee and goes to check on the baby. Sure, this was weird but hey, nothing to get upset about right? Their car didn't have a company logo, the women weren't in uniform, there were no cleaning supplies to speak of...and they didn't have a key, which is odd...and one usually doesn't keep a spare for the maids on the back porch but...but...

But what you idiot! This is the narrator speaking. You can recognize me by my use of italics. Now pick up the phone, call the police, and report these women! Do I have to draw you a diagram of your house, the alley it backs up to, and the truck that was on its way to cart away all of your worldly goods? Pick up the damn phone!

Danielle: (dialing and then speaking into the phone) Yes, hi, I think I'd like to report an attempted robbery. Maybe.

THE END.

(Author's note: The police did in fact confirm that there had been a string of robberies in the neighborhood fitting this description and Officer Strong - real name - followed up with care and efficiency. There are many things that the author would do differently next time, but the #1 thing that she would do is invite the women in to clean her home and make good on their cover story. The author's home could use a good scrubbing, and it would serve those bitches right.)

My Big Fat Basement Reveal!

Unlike the actual renovation, let's make this quick and to the point. We came, we saw, we painted. It's glorious.

If you recall, we started here:

And after some intense cleaning, purging, scraping, priming and painting, now we're here:

I'd pan out, but the rest of the room is filthy. Much like my paint speckled hair, which looks like dandruff and old age had a baby. 

But the built-in is beautiful! 

Thank you Martha Stewart "Plumage" in eggshell. Thank you off-the-shelf toxic oil-based paint in bright white. (My children may have damage to their nervous systems but at least my doors don't stick.) And thank you Gabe - I know you hate to paint but this makes me so happy. Hewey too - he looks right at home.

What should we do next?!

Oh yeah, we got this. Totally. For sure.

Crap. Hewey is here and slumming it in his current digs.

I was super motivated at the beginning and started to clear junk and pick paint colors (we're going with the far right sample for the back of the bookcase).

But it's easy to lose motivation when the bookcase is still so junky and the spare room starts to look like this:

But I went at it again this morning. So the bookcase now looks like this:

But sadly the spare room now looks like this:

 ...and this:

I am having horrible flashbacks of when we tried to re-landscape in sporadic 2-hour chunks while Baby Jude napped. We ended up dropping almost $13K to have that catastrophe professionally remedied. Now that Jude is wildly three and we have Baby Aidan, I am sure we'll be much more successful with this project...

Basement Dweller DIY

I miss the sunshine.

One of the main reasons we bought our darling little house was the basement, and since it is the most comfortable place for the kids (carpet, baby swing, TV, giant "spill whatever you want on it because it's temporary" Craigslist couch), it is where I spend most of my time. It's a lifesaver, but the windows are small and I always have the TV on for additional wattage and companionship. That sounds sadder than it is, but is in no way ideal.

Before Aidan was born we started to update it, but then life got all out of hand. Even if Gabe hadn't been laid up by his surgery, DIY projects with a toddler in the house are a joke.

So now I sit in the little dungeon every day and dream of renovation projects. And watch other people fulfill renovation projects on HGTV. And read about one couple's fabulous ongoing renovation project at the popular YoungHouseLove blog. And pin renovation ideas to my Virtual Decorator board. And pine for a more visually inspiring underground life.

But yesterday we ordered a new computer. Our 6-year-old desktop served us well, but he's ready to retire. The new computer is beautiful. I shall call him Hewey in honor of his creators, and Hewey deserves a beautiful place to live. He arrives in a week.

Project!

Gabe despises anything that requires a paintbrush, but due to the gourmet dinners I have been creating on a regular basis it is easier to talk him into things. (Thank you, food.) Bring on the To Do list!

Here is where we stand:
1. The basement walls are a mushroom color that I like. It looks spectacular next to a bright white trim...but we haven't finished the trim. We also haven't yet edged around the door frames or windows. And maybe I want to switch from mushroom to my favorite wall color ever, True Value's "Boulder," but don't tell my husband (who hates to paint) or my dad (who so wonderfully painted the basement its current color while Gabe and I were in LA on vacation).

2. We really need baseboards. Or maybe beadboard. I don't want to call attention to our low ceilings with crown moulding, but we need something. More art would also help.

3. Once the kids are older, this space begs for a darker carpet (note the stains). And a couch that doesn't produce the super blah brown-on-brown effect that makes professional decorators want to kill themselves. But that's at least a year out.

4. I really want to refinish the Green Monster. It's a great old sideboard that we found, but it desperately needs to be brought into the current decade. I think this will be a great place to try out Annie Sloan's chalk paint. Unfamiliar with chalk paint? You can check out a spectacular chair project here and a mirror update here. Love.

5. De-clutter. Organize. Create a before-and-after worthy of a magazine article.

We'll begin with the built-in desk/bookcase/office section of the dungeon that is currently a super-cluttered playroom. I am going to reclaim it. Well, not fully. We still need a place to put boardgames and toys and piles of miscellaneous grown-up paperwork that need to be filed. But this will be Hewey's home and I want it to be worthy.

That's enough to get us started again, right? I feel pumped. And prematurely exhausted.

Aidan and I are going to pop over for paint samples this afternoon while Jude's at preschool (we need an accent color), and then I need to make Gabe his favorite old-school Sloppy Joes for dinner. He's going to have an aneurism when he reads this post...